seeping out

well, i went back to work too soon. i am falling apart left and right. lashing out at those who love me because i don't know what else to do. feel remorse for that and sad about it. thank goodness these folks still love me.. thoughts, memories, regrets, questions are all seeping and oozing out of me. i picture this thick, mucousy colored sludge just leaking out of me and affecting everything. how i talk, sleep, eat, move and be. i am so very detached and so very tuned in. how contradictory. no one can tell you how you are gonna deal with the death of a parent. sure, she is out of pain, okay she is no longer suffering, good that i got to be with her. so what!? the only way for her to be out of pain was to have to cease being alive. the only way out of suffering was through death...... there is nothing i could do to prevent her cancer, it just was the way her life panned out. there was nothing i could do to ease her pain and suffering except hold her hand, love her, stroke her, swab her mouth, clean her eyes and tell her i loved her. there was nothing i could do but witness it. now, what do i do? i am a bit of a control freak as far as emotions go and these ones are truly upsetting my emotional apple cart. these emotions are raw, random, angry and completely irrational at times. they are valid and they are needing to be expressed i just need to be a bit more......i don't know, a bit more what?