Tuesday, October 27, 2009

altar

so, i am working on my momma's altar for dia de los muertos down at bare hands. trying to remember all the things i want to put on said altar that is most descriptive of my mom and i am drawing a blank. grief is still fresh and i am dealing with it but it is hard. i have become really forgetful, more so than i ever was which was a lot. i just want to call her and say "hey' and shoot the shit... her white turban that she wore while she was bald lays on the altar, it still smells like her... i will never wash it.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

to the bone

my mom has been dead for over three weeks. it is still really odd. i keep feeling as though i forgot something; or that i have misplaced something. that unsettling feeling one gets when they have left home and fear that the coffee pot or iron may still be on. it is that "mmm..something is not quite right" feeling. i am having it all the time. busy, as usual, but different. i am tired to the bone, exhausted beyond belief. i truly could sleep for months. is this how performers feel when they are hospitalized for exhaustion? i wonder. so.....motherless. i ran in the race for the cure on a very dreary, rainy saturday. i had a bone fragment of my mom in my pocket, her name on my back under the statement, "in memory of." last year her name was under the statement, "in celebration of." things can change so drastically in a year. so, i ran, in her honor with so many other runners who ran in honor of those they have loved and lost and those still fighting. downtown was a sea of pink. i thought i would fall apart but i didn't. it was a good day. now i am preparing my altar for my mother for dia de los muertos at bare hands art gallery. i think that that may be a bit more emotional for me. i must honor her in the way that is symbolic to who she was. i miss my mother terribly. i pass her image often when i walk through my house. she is all over the computer. i walk by and say "hi mom."

Monday, October 12, 2009

honoring

i haven't written in several days. this past weekend was the "race for the cure" for breast cancer. it was rainy and completely dreary and i woke up, tired to the bone which has been a constant as of late. grief leeches all energy from a person. by eer determination to run this race in the rain carrying a bone from my mothers body in my running shorts and thinking of her last month and remembering what breast cancer did to her. i arrived at linn park and was so amazed by the turn out even in the horrible weather. last year i ran with the name of my mom on the "in celebration" slip of paper worn on my back, this year, i ran with her name on the "in memory" slip of pink paper. in memory, memory, memorize, memorial, memorable. all of those words are now so personal for me, so real and tangible... i ran in MEMORY of my mother. i ran in memory of her spirit, determination, love , tenacity, will, i ran in memory of her as a young bride, mother, woman i ran in memory of her as a dying wife, mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, cousin and friend, dying in body but not in MEMORY... i will never forget this woman, i will always honor her and i will forever be in awe of who this womon was, what this woman gave to me and where she left a mark on me and those who love her. my mom lives in me.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

silence

i cannot tell you how many times over the passed 2 weeks i have said "i need to call my mom". didn't matter what it was about, i just always called her. that statement just slips out. i cannot call her just to talk anymore, i cannot call to ask for a recipe or to get some support and i cannot call her anymore to shoot the shit. i can only wish. i still cannot shake the last 2 days of her life from my psyche. i wish that i had said more. did she know that i was glad she was my mother, did she feel that i was there and that i loved her and was going to do whatever she needed? i cannot believe that my momma is gone. yes, at 45 years of age she is still my momma. i could go home and just lay around and she would feed me, fret over me and drive me crazy. it is is vast, the hole that is left in ones heart, identity, spirit when a parent dies. i just didn't know how deep that hole was going to be. i need some deep, emotional spelunkers to rappel deep into my emotional chasms and come pull me out. i miss my mom and i want her to be here. i haven't cried in two days and here they come the tears that won't stop. where do i go now? who do i call? i am a motherless woman and i am not handling it all to well.

sinking in

it has been 2 weeks since breast cancer took my mom..... still sinking in for me... got her ashes back the saturday after her death. so odd how an entire person can fit in one plastic bag inside a box. my dad has put that box on her side of the bed and sleeps with it there. i find that both heartbreaking, and poignant and telling. she is truly missed. this is the hard part, the "sinking in" part. i feel like my equilibrium is all out of wack and "wonky". my routine is upset and i hate an upset routine. we have all been waiting for her death for months and then when it happens it is so hard to prepare for the emotions. i took my sweet mom's ashes on a camping trip to grayton beach with 17 of the most wonderful folks i have had the honor of knowing and i set her free to the ocean carried by the wind. it was beautiful. there she went, in the sand, in the salty spray, in my hair, everywhere. she loved the beach and when my dad was in viet nam we lived in fort walton and we went to the beach all the time and i have the fondest memories of walking out to the sand bar, holding my mom's hand as a small, blond 5 year old and we would go crabbing and just watch the boats and i would never let go of her hand until will made it back to the shoreline....... i miss my mom very much and don't know how to deal with her passing on most days so i just write, talk, cry and run. he passing has left a huge and deep mark on me. she was the most frustrating, fascinating, caring, eccentric and loving woman and i miss her.