presence

so many people have left a presence in my life. be it good or bad, a presence. this weekend was all about goodness, jovial communion. dancing and dancing and dancing......fantastic food and good homebrew. heat and sunshine. anxiety and laughter. this is what the business of living is about and i am happily twirling through, today.....one precious day at a time.....

windless sails

so funny how one can be going about one's day, happily, busily, moving through it with a sense of joy and accomplishment and then WHAM! the air is sucked right out of one's lungs....that is what is happening off and on with me. i know that most of these posts lately have all been fairly depressing of sorts, however, it is how i am feeling so i am gonna write... going about my day and then wham, the tears just come!! and come and come. grief has a sneaky way of hiding and then popping out at the most odd and inopertune moments. takes one completely by surprise. i don't know how much of what i am going through right now is related to grief primarily or is it related to so many facets of grief that i have experienced in my lifetime. i hold memory in my body to a detrimental degree sometimes. all that i have been through the pain, sorrow, fear and joy are neatly filed away in different areas of my body. grief seems to have settled in my lower half. the physical pain that i am feeling lately is directly related to grief i believe. coming to grips with all the choices i made in my life as far as love goes is so daunting at times. remembering how hard i lovem, which is not a bad thing per se but can be debilitating when it is not reciprocated or when it is "given back" in an abusive way, which i s'pose would not be classified as love. i don't wanna repeat the past. i do not want to be saddled down with my regrets. i have opened myself up to someone and it has really opened those proverbial flood gates. it is an almost impossible situation yet, still, i am trudging ever forward....

the way

i am beginning to find the way. my way....i think. my way to serenity and comfort. my way to love and laughter, my way to IT. what ever that may be. now, i am basically a very happy, giving, humble person who does not need much to exist. however, one thing, one basic thing i forgot to do was to be my partner. to be there for me. to put me first, to make sure i had secured my oxygen mask before securing others. i have been in the mindset lately of, "i am the caretaker, i am the quirkie artist/chicken lady/child care provider. i am the goofy one who likes the center of attention. i am the smile starter often, i am spastic and all over the place and i have kept myself away from really going after a relationship, really going after love. i keep it safely at arms length. i have realized that i am not a big risk taker and i have realized that i am going to be one. in whatever form or fashion it presents itself. i am going to put my life first and make it work for me instead of me working for my life.

blown apart

the culmination of all the grief in my life the past 2 years has hit me full force. with such an impact that i can hardly stand. it took one risk at letting comfort into my life, letting affection, sex to open these flood gates. it is so telling how being held can change your world sometimes. i have not breathed in ages. i have not felt in ages. my life has been about everyone else. i don't blame others, i am having a hard time not blaming me. so much had happened to me. i was raped and still, i did not let anyone comfort me, i just started running. i started running and running and running. then, i got involved in relationships that served the purpose of rescuing my partners. then i became the caretaker of families. then i became the caretaker of a dying mother, who soon became a dead mother, then my father got sick.....3 out of 4 of my dogs i had for 16 years died. then, i took a risk and opened up myself to comfort and am faced with the reality of how lonely i have been for arms wrapped around me.