so funny how one can be going about one's day, happily, busily, moving through it with a sense of joy and accomplishment and then WHAM! the air is sucked right out of one's lungs....that is what is happening off and on with me. i know that most of these posts lately have all been fairly depressing of sorts, however, it is how i am feeling so i am gonna write... going about my day and then wham, the tears just come!! and come and come. grief has a sneaky way of hiding and then popping out at the most odd and inopertune moments. takes one completely by surprise. i don't know how much of what i am going through right now is related to grief primarily or is it related to so many facets of grief that i have experienced in my lifetime. i hold memory in my body to a detrimental degree sometimes. all that i have been through the pain, sorrow, fear and joy are neatly filed away in different areas of my body. grief seems to have settled in my lower half. the physical pain that i am feeling lately is directly related to grief i believe. coming to grips with all the choices i made in my life as far as love goes is so daunting at times. remembering how hard i lovem, which is not a bad thing per se but can be debilitating when it is not reciprocated or when it is "given back" in an abusive way, which i s'pose would not be classified as love. i don't wanna repeat the past. i do not want to be saddled down with my regrets. i have opened myself up to someone and it has really opened those proverbial flood gates. it is an almost impossible situation yet, still, i am trudging ever forward....
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