Friday, June 10, 2011

clean slate

i wish i truly could take a slate which had all the pain and sadness and fear from the present and past and wipe it clean. literally take a cloth and wipe it clean and have no remnants there. have a "clean slate" to fill with happiness and joy and love and good memories. however, i spose one must have a slate full of disappointments in order to start with a clean slate. i am dealing with so much baggage which is flooding in right now. it is a torrent of muck and debris from my past just moving me through my day, from one task to the other. the only emotion i am feeling of late is sadness and intense anxiety and fear. i am embracing these emotions because i have no choice not to. i am dealing with such information about me that i am finding out about daily. information about my mom which was passed on to me. trying to wholly and completely love myself warts and all. why is it that i can so wholly love another so completely yet i cannot seem to do so with myself? it is maddening and something i wish to change very much. i hope that my new slate is filled with good stories about me and all that i am and all that i have become and will become. i hope that slate is full of laughter and smiles and love. love should be enough to fill that slate so that the baggage falls to the floor...finally, sweet alley, let that baggage fall!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

identity

my mom has now been dead (still hard to type that) for one year and nine months. i still can't not cry when thinking of her....now, i am struggling with so many unanswered questions about her. i am heartbroken daily and carry it with me. like a stinking, heavy, scratchy coat. i loved/love my mom and yet i wanted in no way, to be like her. something happened to her. she lost her light, her identity, her passion her courage. i don't know why she did. as a very young child, i would remember her looking so sad and vacant. often, unhappy. something i sensed and i felt so responsible for her happiness. i wanted to help her to be happy. i remember just feeling so helpless. so confused. i have grown into a woman who is a wonderful caretaker, fantastic friend, loyal and patient. i have given love freely, often to my detriment. i watched my mom settle for so little. i don' t think she had any idea how much of that she passed on to me. i am now facing my 47th year and the knowledge of so many things about how my personality was shaped is so daunting, debilitating and so very sad. i don't want to settle anymore. i want to embrace love, i want to be cherished, loved, respected, listened to, held up, held, i want to give out that which i give. this new identity of mine is so new and scary....