alone

my mom's death is sinking in deep and hard. it affects every day of my life. i want to call her almost every moment. i feel naked and completely alone. i didn't know that i was gonna miss her this much. the fact that she is no longer here, physically, hits me hard. last night there were tears again. i feel orphaned. i love my father very very much and he is very important to me it is just different. my mom and i had a difficult relationship but i cherished it. i feel as though part of me has been cut away. i feel angry and sad i feel so very insecure and agitated. i feel so very very sad. i would give anything to hold her hand again. for months, years, i felt as though part of my life, job, was to go to montgomery and spend time with my mom, to care for her and to wait on her. i do it for my dad and it is good. i just wish that i knew how long this was gonna last. i wanna wake up happy sometimes. i wanna wake up looking forward to the day. i am tired of waking up in fear. fear of everything. i am not that strong or with it.

hibernation

it has been 5 months since my mom died and now it is hitting me. didn't sink in so much after she died because i was too busy with the memorial and talking to folks and training for a marathon. i was almost "high" afterwards. i was sad, i cried and all that but i was busy, manic. planning things; i felt enthusiastic, i had lists and plans and i was feeling grateful. then, i woke up one morning and it all felt different. i felt as gray as the sky outside. full of muck and mud and oozy emotional crap. it hit me. my mother is dead! now, i feel like shit. of course this ridiculous weather does nothing to help with my depression, nor does the death of my 15 year old dog and the seizures my other 15 year old dog is having. i just feel uninspired and alone. i love my father dearly and have gotten so much closer to him but it is not the same as what i felt for my mom. going home is nice but different. the fridge is barely full, no more homemade food from my mom. no smells from the kitchen..no whirring sound of the oxygen she was on. it is different. so, i am here in grief and i don't like it and i need it to stay for a short visit. i also need the help of some voodoo goddess or traveling shaman or wiccan witch to bring some fucking sunshine and warmth this way so that i can dig my hands in the soil and plant some life.