bloom

my mother died on septemeber 22nd at around 1 in the morning. about 12 hours after i left her side. i think of her each and every day and most especially now, during the planting time of spring. all i want to do is call her, all the time. she was from a small town in arkansas and was born to a farmer. she must have learned all of the tricks to successful gardening from her mom and pop. she passed that on to her kids who are all very successful at cooking and growing. i have such vivid memories of her sitting in the dirt planting tomatoes. i remember eating her fresh tomatoes like apples. i miss her terribly and some days it is so heart-breaking when i think of her no longer being here. often, i feel as though i can see her out of the corner of my eye, passing by, hanging out. i wish that were true. now it is april and it has been over a month since my almost 80 year old papa found out that he has stage 4 lung cancer......fucking shit! 6 months after my mom died and here we go again. my dad is a very funny funny man. he fits the description of "eccentric" to a t. he is taking this cancer and not letting it control his life. i find that to be very brave. he had opted out of chemo because he saw what it did to my mom and he did not want to feel already "dead." however, doc told him that without the chemo he had about 3 months. dad said, "i have too much to do still so i will give it a shot." with chemo he has about 6 months to a year. i pray that it is longer. i am not yet ready to say good bye to another parent. i am still dealing with the loss of my mom. so, i am journeying again. dad looks great for a man with tumors in both lungs. right now, he is at the gym lifting weights and doing some cardio. he wants to stay as strong as possible. he also does the crossword puzzle from the paper, every day, because he is worried about alzheimers. i think the cancer will get him way before alzheimers ever will but it is his routine. the other day i called and asked him what he did that day and he promptly said "i went to the funeral home." i curiously said "well,who died?" and he said "me." "dad!!!" he took my older brother mark to the funeral home so that mark could meet the director and get any questions answered so that he would not be unprepared when my dad dies. that is just he kind of man my father is. he does not want to inconvenience his children. it is very funny in a very morose way. i love my father, we didn't used to have a good relationship. he was a military man and very strict in certain areas. it was tough when i felt as though i had disappointed him. he was a drinker and smoker but he quit both and adopted a more healthy lifestyle at 60. he also became really tender and sweet and even more so during the years my mom was dying. i love my dad. i was very blessed and grateful to be with my mom during her journey to leaving this world and i feel just as blessed and grateful to be near my dad as he is doing the same. now, do not get me wrong, i do not enjoy this journey nor do i look forward to it but i respect it and i will cherish the things that my dad will teach me as i cherish the things that my mom taught me on her way out. it is the most amazing experience to be a part of. i love my parents and i am so very proud of them and what they have given to me. i have turned into the strongest, kindest, bravest, silliest, craziest, saddest, woman. lord knows i have alot of faults but that is okay because they both taught me humility. ox

nosatalgia

well, nostalgia has a way of sucking the breath out of me. it often happens when the weather changes...changes....quite alot i have been through and am going through. feeling the effects of getting older. liking the settled feeling and disliking the restless feeling. seems as though i am in the restless place alot. so very grateful for my life and friends. so very disappointed by the fact that i have not had a really healthy relationship ever which really really has made me quite cynical to say the least. relationships baffle me. on one hand i want one, on the other, i am too independent. it is all so very very weird.

deja vu.....

so, on the march 22, 2010 it will be 6 months since my mom's death from breast cancer. now, i have to deal with my father's, just diagnosed, stage 4 small cell carcinoma of the lung. seems fucking hysterical at this point. i have dealt this cancer shit enough now and i am really tired of it. i feel like i am in a holding pattern of sorts. i am just hanging her until the start gun is fired and then i will begin the race. the race of trying to get things organized for art camp this summer, my jobs, my animals my dad and his chemo and decline (which comes first before anything else in my life) and still try to carve out some time for me to enjoy my late forties. i just feel as though i have become a pro at this now. death is not the worst. it is the watching of someone you love deteriorate and deal with unbearable pain and fear. that is the worst, by far. i hope that he is not in too much pain and that there will be relief. his outlook is much different than my moms was. he is more of the "glass half full" crowd. my silly, eccentric, 80 year old metrosexual, lithuanian father. he is a card.......thank goodness for my dear friends!

alone

my mom's death is sinking in deep and hard. it affects every day of my life. i want to call her almost every moment. i feel naked and completely alone. i didn't know that i was gonna miss her this much. the fact that she is no longer here, physically, hits me hard. last night there were tears again. i feel orphaned. i love my father very very much and he is very important to me it is just different. my mom and i had a difficult relationship but i cherished it. i feel as though part of me has been cut away. i feel angry and sad i feel so very insecure and agitated. i feel so very very sad. i would give anything to hold her hand again. for months, years, i felt as though part of my life, job, was to go to montgomery and spend time with my mom, to care for her and to wait on her. i do it for my dad and it is good. i just wish that i knew how long this was gonna last. i wanna wake up happy sometimes. i wanna wake up looking forward to the day. i am tired of waking up in fear. fear of everything. i am not that strong or with it.

hibernation

it has been 5 months since my mom died and now it is hitting me. didn't sink in so much after she died because i was too busy with the memorial and talking to folks and training for a marathon. i was almost "high" afterwards. i was sad, i cried and all that but i was busy, manic. planning things; i felt enthusiastic, i had lists and plans and i was feeling grateful. then, i woke up one morning and it all felt different. i felt as gray as the sky outside. full of muck and mud and oozy emotional crap. it hit me. my mother is dead! now, i feel like shit. of course this ridiculous weather does nothing to help with my depression, nor does the death of my 15 year old dog and the seizures my other 15 year old dog is having. i just feel uninspired and alone. i love my father dearly and have gotten so much closer to him but it is not the same as what i felt for my mom. going home is nice but different. the fridge is barely full, no more homemade food from my mom. no smells from the kitchen..no whirring sound of the oxygen she was on. it is different. so, i am here in grief and i don't like it and i need it to stay for a short visit. i also need the help of some voodoo goddess or traveling shaman or wiccan witch to bring some fucking sunshine and warmth this way so that i can dig my hands in the soil and plant some life.