alone

my mom's death is sinking in deep and hard. it affects every day of my life. i want to call her almost every moment. i feel naked and completely alone. i didn't know that i was gonna miss her this much. the fact that she is no longer here, physically, hits me hard. last night there were tears again. i feel orphaned. i love my father very very much and he is very important to me it is just different. my mom and i had a difficult relationship but i cherished it. i feel as though part of me has been cut away. i feel angry and sad i feel so very insecure and agitated. i feel so very very sad. i would give anything to hold her hand again. for months, years, i felt as though part of my life, job, was to go to montgomery and spend time with my mom, to care for her and to wait on her. i do it for my dad and it is good. i just wish that i knew how long this was gonna last. i wanna wake up happy sometimes. i wanna wake up looking forward to the day. i am tired of waking up in fear. fear of everything. i am not that strong or with it.