time frame

so there is no time frame when it comes to dealing with death. i am just gonna let it come when it comes. shit, last night i was watching "walking dead" and cried like a baby. so, this blog is gonna be about remembrances of ANYTHING. family, love, lovers, friends, etc. life. so, upwards and onwards.

bereft

I have not written in ages and that is odd to me because I love to write. I think it may be because of how busy and crazy my life has become. Today I write because I feel as though I will become completely unglued if I do not. I am heartbroken by so many things. The death of my mother has taken my breath away. It has seeped into every facet of my life with me not even knowing it. It has filled the cracks in me. It has permeated the thin veneer I have myself coated in. I didn't know it was gonna be this hard. I didn't know it would leave me feeling so very lost. In the time that my mother has died my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. It will be year in March since his diagnosis. I remember sitting at a table at V.Richards with he and my sister and me when he got the news and I remember him being relieved that it was lung cancer and not the melanoma that he feared he had. He said he would be so embarrassed if he had skin cancer because he did it to himself by going to the tanning salon. That is my dad. I can't imagine being relieved the way he was. They did not give him a very positive prognosis. However, here he is at 80, doing better than we all thought. Taking weekly doses of chemo and still doing his thing. I am relieved that we won"t have to deal with his death, at least not for a bit. Still, finding out he had cancer 6 months after my mom's death from breast cancer was quite upsetting. I immediately went into numb out mode. It is a mode i am quite fond of. Unfortunately one can only stay numbed out for so long. During the time of my mom's death I have lost a dear friendship and had alot of really unsettling changes that I also had to deal with, so.......here I am today. Grateful and lost. Lonely and surrounded. Just feeling so very very very detached. I don't handle ALOT of major changes well. I feel ungrounded and scared. I feel like I don't have anything to hold me up. Friendships have changed, some because of me, some not. I miss youth often. I am going to try to make it through this life and be happy. It is not easy and I often just wish I were somewhere else.