bullshit

feeling like i have been dealing with a lot of bullshit.....it is quite perplexing and completely maddening.....games are bullshit. i don't like them.

hanging tough

i passed by a photo of my mom when she was a young teen, it was just sitting on the table and when i glanced over at it i feel apart, again. i am not surprised by that action at all, i am used to it. i just feel the weight of loss on more days than others sometimes. loss everywhere....having to put two very dear, loyal pets to sleep and having to deal with two more elderly pets in declining health has been draining. feeling the loss of youth. not so much upset by the fact that i am not young anymore but feeling the sadness of things i do not have. i know i have much to be grateful for but some days i just feel empty. i putter about my day really really busy and then fall into bed exhausted. i keep myself busy often. i spose so that i do not have to deal with the depression that i do have in me. a gift from my sweet mom. i still carry the pain of childhood issues, a rape at 26, eating disorder, loss of relationships with friends and lovers and the death of my mom and the ongoing battle that my dad is going through with his cancer. some days are just fucking tough and that is all there is to it. then, some days i am filled with extreme happiness and joy. i need more of those though. perhaps it is this fucking cold weather....