deja vu.....

so, on the march 22, 2010 it will be 6 months since my mom's death from breast cancer. now, i have to deal with my father's, just diagnosed, stage 4 small cell carcinoma of the lung. seems fucking hysterical at this point. i have dealt this cancer shit enough now and i am really tired of it. i feel like i am in a holding pattern of sorts. i am just hanging her until the start gun is fired and then i will begin the race. the race of trying to get things organized for art camp this summer, my jobs, my animals my dad and his chemo and decline (which comes first before anything else in my life) and still try to carve out some time for me to enjoy my late forties. i just feel as though i have become a pro at this now. death is not the worst. it is the watching of someone you love deteriorate and deal with unbearable pain and fear. that is the worst, by far. i hope that he is not in too much pain and that there will be relief. his outlook is much different than my moms was. he is more of the "glass half full" crowd. my silly, eccentric, 80 year old metrosexual, lithuanian father. he is a card.......thank goodness for my dear friends!