Thursday, June 9, 2011

identity

my mom has now been dead (still hard to type that) for one year and nine months. i still can't not cry when thinking of her....now, i am struggling with so many unanswered questions about her. i am heartbroken daily and carry it with me. like a stinking, heavy, scratchy coat. i loved/love my mom and yet i wanted in no way, to be like her. something happened to her. she lost her light, her identity, her passion her courage. i don't know why she did. as a very young child, i would remember her looking so sad and vacant. often, unhappy. something i sensed and i felt so responsible for her happiness. i wanted to help her to be happy. i remember just feeling so helpless. so confused. i have grown into a woman who is a wonderful caretaker, fantastic friend, loyal and patient. i have given love freely, often to my detriment. i watched my mom settle for so little. i don' t think she had any idea how much of that she passed on to me. i am now facing my 47th year and the knowledge of so many things about how my personality was shaped is so daunting, debilitating and so very sad. i don't want to settle anymore. i want to embrace love, i want to be cherished, loved, respected, listened to, held up, held, i want to give out that which i give. this new identity of mine is so new and scary....

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