silence

i cannot tell you how many times over the passed 2 weeks i have said "i need to call my mom". didn't matter what it was about, i just always called her. that statement just slips out. i cannot call her just to talk anymore, i cannot call to ask for a recipe or to get some support and i cannot call her anymore to shoot the shit. i can only wish. i still cannot shake the last 2 days of her life from my psyche. i wish that i had said more. did she know that i was glad she was my mother, did she feel that i was there and that i loved her and was going to do whatever she needed? i cannot believe that my momma is gone. yes, at 45 years of age she is still my momma. i could go home and just lay around and she would feed me, fret over me and drive me crazy. it is is vast, the hole that is left in ones heart, identity, spirit when a parent dies. i just didn't know how deep that hole was going to be. i need some deep, emotional spelunkers to rappel deep into my emotional chasms and come pull me out. i miss my mom and i want her to be here. i haven't cried in two days and here they come the tears that won't stop. where do i go now? who do i call? i am a motherless woman and i am not handling it all to well.