sinking in

it has been 2 weeks since breast cancer took my mom..... still sinking in for me... got her ashes back the saturday after her death. so odd how an entire person can fit in one plastic bag inside a box. my dad has put that box on her side of the bed and sleeps with it there. i find that both heartbreaking, and poignant and telling. she is truly missed. this is the hard part, the "sinking in" part. i feel like my equilibrium is all out of wack and "wonky". my routine is upset and i hate an upset routine. we have all been waiting for her death for months and then when it happens it is so hard to prepare for the emotions. i took my sweet mom's ashes on a camping trip to grayton beach with 17 of the most wonderful folks i have had the honor of knowing and i set her free to the ocean carried by the wind. it was beautiful. there she went, in the sand, in the salty spray, in my hair, everywhere. she loved the beach and when my dad was in viet nam we lived in fort walton and we went to the beach all the time and i have the fondest memories of walking out to the sand bar, holding my mom's hand as a small, blond 5 year old and we would go crabbing and just watch the boats and i would never let go of her hand until will made it back to the shoreline....... i miss my mom very much and don't know how to deal with her passing on most days so i just write, talk, cry and run. he passing has left a huge and deep mark on me. she was the most frustrating, fascinating, caring, eccentric and loving woman and i miss her.