deluge

i sat with my dying mother yesterday and held her hand and waited. still. each breath was labored and rattling and her chest was heaving up and down so fast it resembled a sprinter after a race. she didn't open her eyes once yesterday. she is conscious but not "there". it is so weird. it is so humorous in a glib, morose way, to be sitting with your mom, telling her how much you are going to miss her, how much you love her and what not when in the background all you can here is the contestants on the "price as right" blurt out prices for a really, tacky, faux walnut dining room set. it is quite funny to say the least. the grief comes in such waves. in the hottest bath i could stand last night, i fell apart, again. not just crying but the kind of crying that comes so deep from inside. at one point it did not even sound human. grief takes on so many forms. well, i am older now and healthier and plan to feel this grief. i will not drink it away, smoke it away, vomit it up or bleed it out. i will feel it. it will not kill me. i will honor it because i love my momma and that is what she would want.