bedside

so, i am now 45. grateful for the fun times i had. extremely sore from the biggest, america's funniest home video worthy, fall... it is all on film... heading to montgomery again. this is the last birthday spent with my mother as a living woman. i am sad. she is slowly slipping over every day. she has stopped eating and just continues to wither. i accept it. today though, i am really really sad. who is gonna drive me crazy with questions now? i feel untethered, scattered. the weight of the reality that she is going to die very soon hits me hard. i feel like i am going to lose part of my identity. thought i was ready, today, not so much. i am angry at it all. the cancer that has ravaged her gorgeous body, the pain she is in. everything. all of this makes for some good angry energy which has truly helped me as far as training for this marathon. my mom has never seen me run a race but she always called me afterwards; telling me to "soak my muscles, drink a lot of water, rest, i love you hon". won't hear that anymore. what comes next? i am a planner, i want to know what to feel next so that i can cross that off my list of what i am "supposed" to be feeling. thank god for therapy on monday. i know i can get through this, i can and will. i just am going to miss this woman terribly. each time i see her she is smaller, uncovering her so that i can massage her legs is always a shock. she just gets smaller and smaller. i will sit with her, i will cry i will hold her hand and i will tell her "thank you" for giving me all the parts of her, i will thank her for raising this self-sufficient, tenacious, strong, stoic, attention seeking, loyal, loving, compassionate angry woman who is her daughter. i will thank her for giving me the ability to make it through difficulties, i will thank her for teaching me how to forgive. i love you mom, and i am going to miss you more than i ever thought possible.......i hope she knows that........ooxx allison ann your daughter.