lingering

well, i was not prepared for the appearance of my mom today. not in the least. you see, i was sick so i missed the last visit. how rapidly she has changed. i walked into the room and immediately fell apart. she is going, and i think it will be very soon. shallow, rapid, wheezy breaths. lips parted and thick, white thrush coats her tongue and lips it is the body breaking done i guess and it is unsettling. i went over, kissed her and immediately called my brother because i was sure she was going at any moment. i thought i was prepared but all along i was just freaking out because i wanted to make sure she wasn't afraid or in pain. the nurse comes in, changes the water on her oxygen, takes her pulse and sticks a swab of gylcerin on my mom's lips and tongue. sweet mom sucks on it like a starving infant. she is so thirsty and so dry-mouthed. it breaks my heart. i don't think that she noticed me right then so i got in her line of sight and she said "hey alley". this visit was hard. for weeks she has laid under a mound of blankets, barely moving, sleeping constantly. now, she kicks the covers off and is so restless, moving from side to side, moaning and wheezing. she keeps trying to sit up. every now and then she takes these breaths, let's them out really slow and i think "shit, this is it" and then she breaths in, deep and rattling, again. she squeezes my hand tight. i lean over and say, "momma, it is okay, mark and michelle, chris and i and daddy have all come to see you, we will be okay, you don't have to hang on, you can let go." she squeezes my hand and says, feebly, "okay". still, though, she is hanging on. how cruel this part is. this is not living, this is existing. i don't know what to do. it is so hard to see her struggle and i want to help her some how. i don't know what to do and god help me it is not up to me. she is so helpless, small. death is tangible, one can feel it, smell it, embrace, caress and hope for it. lingering is also tangible. lingering is having death hover above the dying person, poking fun at , teasing, bullying, making that person wait and wait and wait. lingering is drawing out life and exhausting the person who is waiting. it is cruel and manipulative. i am angry at lingering. i want to beat it down, i want to "take it to the wood shed" and beat the shit out of it. i want to have a face to face and "come to jesus" meeting with lingering and tell it to get the fuck away from my mom and let her please pass over. i will sweet talk lingering if it will help, just please get on with it. she has worked long and hard enough. be merciful and let her rest. please.