blur

well yesterday my mom died and today i am motherless. i was motherless yesterday but it didn't sink in so much. today, it is sinking in. it is sinking in in minute increments, tiny little bits. i really feel in a blurry, slurry daze. functioning is not an issue, i can do that with my eyes closed. i have functioned well during some of the most devastating times of my life. this is different, subtle, stealth-like. i go on about my day with ease, working, running, errands, and what-not and then BOOM! out of nowhere i am sobbing and trembling and shaking and cupping my hands around my mouth so that i will not scream and scare the hell out of all the mom's in the carpool line. truly, the most uncomfortable feeling this type of grief is. my mom's last day was spent struggling for breath, heaving and sucking in air that was not adequate enough to keep her body going. i watched her body change, before my eyes. hands, feet, under her eyes turning blue and discolored. i discovered that that was because her suffocating organs were trying to stay oxygenated so all her blood flow was going to that area and pulling the blood away from the extremeties and elsewhere. it was such a diffinite change and it freaked me out in a big way. i couldn't do anything for her. the panting, it was maddening. i wanted to make sure that she was not scared or panicked like one would feel if they truly were suffocating. the sweet nurses assured me that she was okay. i don't know about that. i will have to believe them. i have never believed in euthanasia more than i did at that moment. i just wanted to help her. of course, as soon as i left, so did she. dammit! there is a great line in "fried green tomatoes at the whistle stop cafe" that i love and it was said by cicely tyson; "miz ruth was a lady and a lady always knows when to leave." well, miz norma jean was a lady and she knew when to leave and she kicked lingering in the ass and told it whats what. so, i am now going through the motions. checking on my daddy, remembering and crying. hoping that she knew how much i loved her. i hope i never have to witness such an agonizing death and yet i am so greatful that i did. what a dichotomy. what a wonder. what a gift. thanks to the sweetest friends and family. i do know that my mom knew i was loved and that made her feel a bit better about the fact that she was dying. she told me so so it was true.