hibernation

it has been 5 months since my mom died and now it is hitting me. didn't sink in so much after she died because i was too busy with the memorial and talking to folks and training for a marathon. i was almost "high" afterwards. i was sad, i cried and all that but i was busy, manic. planning things; i felt enthusiastic, i had lists and plans and i was feeling grateful. then, i woke up one morning and it all felt different. i felt as gray as the sky outside. full of muck and mud and oozy emotional crap. it hit me. my mother is dead! now, i feel like shit. of course this ridiculous weather does nothing to help with my depression, nor does the death of my 15 year old dog and the seizures my other 15 year old dog is having. i just feel uninspired and alone. i love my father dearly and have gotten so much closer to him but it is not the same as what i felt for my mom. going home is nice but different. the fridge is barely full, no more homemade food from my mom. no smells from the kitchen..no whirring sound of the oxygen she was on. it is different. so, i am here in grief and i don't like it and i need it to stay for a short visit. i also need the help of some voodoo goddess or traveling shaman or wiccan witch to bring some fucking sunshine and warmth this way so that i can dig my hands in the soil and plant some life.