blown apart

the culmination of all the grief in my life the past 2 years has hit me full force. with such an impact that i can hardly stand. it took one risk at letting comfort into my life, letting affection, sex to open these flood gates. it is so telling how being held can change your world sometimes. i have not breathed in ages. i have not felt in ages. my life has been about everyone else. i don't blame others, i am having a hard time not blaming me. so much had happened to me. i was raped and still, i did not let anyone comfort me, i just started running. i started running and running and running. then, i got involved in relationships that served the purpose of rescuing my partners. then i became the caretaker of families. then i became the caretaker of a dying mother, who soon became a dead mother, then my father got sick.....3 out of 4 of my dogs i had for 16 years died. then, i took a risk and opened up myself to comfort and am faced with the reality of how lonely i have been for arms wrapped around me.

bullshit

feeling like i have been dealing with a lot of bullshit.....it is quite perplexing and completely maddening.....games are bullshit. i don't like them.

hanging tough

i passed by a photo of my mom when she was a young teen, it was just sitting on the table and when i glanced over at it i feel apart, again. i am not surprised by that action at all, i am used to it. i just feel the weight of loss on more days than others sometimes. loss everywhere....having to put two very dear, loyal pets to sleep and having to deal with two more elderly pets in declining health has been draining. feeling the loss of youth. not so much upset by the fact that i am not young anymore but feeling the sadness of things i do not have. i know i have much to be grateful for but some days i just feel empty. i putter about my day really really busy and then fall into bed exhausted. i keep myself busy often. i spose so that i do not have to deal with the depression that i do have in me. a gift from my sweet mom. i still carry the pain of childhood issues, a rape at 26, eating disorder, loss of relationships with friends and lovers and the death of my mom and the ongoing battle that my dad is going through with his cancer. some days are just fucking tough and that is all there is to it. then, some days i am filled with extreme happiness and joy. i need more of those though. perhaps it is this fucking cold weather....

time frame

so there is no time frame when it comes to dealing with death. i am just gonna let it come when it comes. shit, last night i was watching "walking dead" and cried like a baby. so, this blog is gonna be about remembrances of ANYTHING. family, love, lovers, friends, etc. life. so, upwards and onwards.

bereft

I have not written in ages and that is odd to me because I love to write. I think it may be because of how busy and crazy my life has become. Today I write because I feel as though I will become completely unglued if I do not. I am heartbroken by so many things. The death of my mother has taken my breath away. It has seeped into every facet of my life with me not even knowing it. It has filled the cracks in me. It has permeated the thin veneer I have myself coated in. I didn't know it was gonna be this hard. I didn't know it would leave me feeling so very lost. In the time that my mother has died my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. It will be year in March since his diagnosis. I remember sitting at a table at V.Richards with he and my sister and me when he got the news and I remember him being relieved that it was lung cancer and not the melanoma that he feared he had. He said he would be so embarrassed if he had skin cancer because he did it to himself by going to the tanning salon. That is my dad. I can't imagine being relieved the way he was. They did not give him a very positive prognosis. However, here he is at 80, doing better than we all thought. Taking weekly doses of chemo and still doing his thing. I am relieved that we won"t have to deal with his death, at least not for a bit. Still, finding out he had cancer 6 months after my mom's death from breast cancer was quite upsetting. I immediately went into numb out mode. It is a mode i am quite fond of. Unfortunately one can only stay numbed out for so long. During the time of my mom's death I have lost a dear friendship and had alot of really unsettling changes that I also had to deal with, so.......here I am today. Grateful and lost. Lonely and surrounded. Just feeling so very very very detached. I don't handle ALOT of major changes well. I feel ungrounded and scared. I feel like I don't have anything to hold me up. Friendships have changed, some because of me, some not. I miss youth often. I am going to try to make it through this life and be happy. It is not easy and I often just wish I were somewhere else.

bloom

my mother died on septemeber 22nd at around 1 in the morning. about 12 hours after i left her side. i think of her each and every day and most especially now, during the planting time of spring. all i want to do is call her, all the time. she was from a small town in arkansas and was born to a farmer. she must have learned all of the tricks to successful gardening from her mom and pop. she passed that on to her kids who are all very successful at cooking and growing. i have such vivid memories of her sitting in the dirt planting tomatoes. i remember eating her fresh tomatoes like apples. i miss her terribly and some days it is so heart-breaking when i think of her no longer being here. often, i feel as though i can see her out of the corner of my eye, passing by, hanging out. i wish that were true. now it is april and it has been over a month since my almost 80 year old papa found out that he has stage 4 lung cancer......fucking shit! 6 months after my mom died and here we go again. my dad is a very funny funny man. he fits the description of "eccentric" to a t. he is taking this cancer and not letting it control his life. i find that to be very brave. he had opted out of chemo because he saw what it did to my mom and he did not want to feel already "dead." however, doc told him that without the chemo he had about 3 months. dad said, "i have too much to do still so i will give it a shot." with chemo he has about 6 months to a year. i pray that it is longer. i am not yet ready to say good bye to another parent. i am still dealing with the loss of my mom. so, i am journeying again. dad looks great for a man with tumors in both lungs. right now, he is at the gym lifting weights and doing some cardio. he wants to stay as strong as possible. he also does the crossword puzzle from the paper, every day, because he is worried about alzheimers. i think the cancer will get him way before alzheimers ever will but it is his routine. the other day i called and asked him what he did that day and he promptly said "i went to the funeral home." i curiously said "well,who died?" and he said "me." "dad!!!" he took my older brother mark to the funeral home so that mark could meet the director and get any questions answered so that he would not be unprepared when my dad dies. that is just he kind of man my father is. he does not want to inconvenience his children. it is very funny in a very morose way. i love my father, we didn't used to have a good relationship. he was a military man and very strict in certain areas. it was tough when i felt as though i had disappointed him. he was a drinker and smoker but he quit both and adopted a more healthy lifestyle at 60. he also became really tender and sweet and even more so during the years my mom was dying. i love my dad. i was very blessed and grateful to be with my mom during her journey to leaving this world and i feel just as blessed and grateful to be near my dad as he is doing the same. now, do not get me wrong, i do not enjoy this journey nor do i look forward to it but i respect it and i will cherish the things that my dad will teach me as i cherish the things that my mom taught me on her way out. it is the most amazing experience to be a part of. i love my parents and i am so very proud of them and what they have given to me. i have turned into the strongest, kindest, bravest, silliest, craziest, saddest, woman. lord knows i have alot of faults but that is okay because they both taught me humility. ox

nosatalgia

well, nostalgia has a way of sucking the breath out of me. it often happens when the weather changes...changes....quite alot i have been through and am going through. feeling the effects of getting older. liking the settled feeling and disliking the restless feeling. seems as though i am in the restless place alot. so very grateful for my life and friends. so very disappointed by the fact that i have not had a really healthy relationship ever which really really has made me quite cynical to say the least. relationships baffle me. on one hand i want one, on the other, i am too independent. it is all so very very weird.