nuance

so, there are little things that pop into my mind when thinking of my mom. for some reason, those prickly little rollers for hair pop into my mind. the ones that had to be secured by those little white, plastic, pointy hair pins. also, my mother had the most massive collection of hairbrushes. if you were to go into my house in montgomery and open the drawer on the bottom of a gaudily painted yellow wicker chest of drawers you would find a rubbermade "shoebox" of said hairbrushes my sister collected and stored there. i have not moved them. i wonder how she came to have so many hairbrushes. probably the same reason i have a million pairs of pilers and jigsaw blade...we just misplaced things. i am not much different than my mom. i would give anything to smell the perfume she wore, the smell of that old fashioned "waxy" lipstick. vicks vapor rub and bacon......charlie and arpege perfume. fresh tomatoes and dirt. i just would love to bottle all of that and carry that scent on me so that i can never forget her...i don't think i will ever forget her.

clean slate

i wish i truly could take a slate which had all the pain and sadness and fear from the present and past and wipe it clean. literally take a cloth and wipe it clean and have no remnants there. have a "clean slate" to fill with happiness and joy and love and good memories. however, i spose one must have a slate full of disappointments in order to start with a clean slate. i am dealing with so much baggage which is flooding in right now. it is a torrent of muck and debris from my past just moving me through my day, from one task to the other. the only emotion i am feeling of late is sadness and intense anxiety and fear. i am embracing these emotions because i have no choice not to. i am dealing with such information about me that i am finding out about daily. information about my mom which was passed on to me. trying to wholly and completely love myself warts and all. why is it that i can so wholly love another so completely yet i cannot seem to do so with myself? it is maddening and something i wish to change very much. i hope that my new slate is filled with good stories about me and all that i am and all that i have become and will become. i hope that slate is full of laughter and smiles and love. love should be enough to fill that slate so that the baggage falls to the floor...finally, sweet alley, let that baggage fall!

identity

my mom has now been dead (still hard to type that) for one year and nine months. i still can't not cry when thinking of her....now, i am struggling with so many unanswered questions about her. i am heartbroken daily and carry it with me. like a stinking, heavy, scratchy coat. i loved/love my mom and yet i wanted in no way, to be like her. something happened to her. she lost her light, her identity, her passion her courage. i don't know why she did. as a very young child, i would remember her looking so sad and vacant. often, unhappy. something i sensed and i felt so responsible for her happiness. i wanted to help her to be happy. i remember just feeling so helpless. so confused. i have grown into a woman who is a wonderful caretaker, fantastic friend, loyal and patient. i have given love freely, often to my detriment. i watched my mom settle for so little. i don' t think she had any idea how much of that she passed on to me. i am now facing my 47th year and the knowledge of so many things about how my personality was shaped is so daunting, debilitating and so very sad. i don't want to settle anymore. i want to embrace love, i want to be cherished, loved, respected, listened to, held up, held, i want to give out that which i give. this new identity of mine is so new and scary....

presence

so many people have left a presence in my life. be it good or bad, a presence. this weekend was all about goodness, jovial communion. dancing and dancing and dancing......fantastic food and good homebrew. heat and sunshine. anxiety and laughter. this is what the business of living is about and i am happily twirling through, today.....one precious day at a time.....

windless sails

so funny how one can be going about one's day, happily, busily, moving through it with a sense of joy and accomplishment and then WHAM! the air is sucked right out of one's lungs....that is what is happening off and on with me. i know that most of these posts lately have all been fairly depressing of sorts, however, it is how i am feeling so i am gonna write... going about my day and then wham, the tears just come!! and come and come. grief has a sneaky way of hiding and then popping out at the most odd and inopertune moments. takes one completely by surprise. i don't know how much of what i am going through right now is related to grief primarily or is it related to so many facets of grief that i have experienced in my lifetime. i hold memory in my body to a detrimental degree sometimes. all that i have been through the pain, sorrow, fear and joy are neatly filed away in different areas of my body. grief seems to have settled in my lower half. the physical pain that i am feeling lately is directly related to grief i believe. coming to grips with all the choices i made in my life as far as love goes is so daunting at times. remembering how hard i lovem, which is not a bad thing per se but can be debilitating when it is not reciprocated or when it is "given back" in an abusive way, which i s'pose would not be classified as love. i don't wanna repeat the past. i do not want to be saddled down with my regrets. i have opened myself up to someone and it has really opened those proverbial flood gates. it is an almost impossible situation yet, still, i am trudging ever forward....

the way

i am beginning to find the way. my way....i think. my way to serenity and comfort. my way to love and laughter, my way to IT. what ever that may be. now, i am basically a very happy, giving, humble person who does not need much to exist. however, one thing, one basic thing i forgot to do was to be my partner. to be there for me. to put me first, to make sure i had secured my oxygen mask before securing others. i have been in the mindset lately of, "i am the caretaker, i am the quirkie artist/chicken lady/child care provider. i am the goofy one who likes the center of attention. i am the smile starter often, i am spastic and all over the place and i have kept myself away from really going after a relationship, really going after love. i keep it safely at arms length. i have realized that i am not a big risk taker and i have realized that i am going to be one. in whatever form or fashion it presents itself. i am going to put my life first and make it work for me instead of me working for my life.

blown apart

the culmination of all the grief in my life the past 2 years has hit me full force. with such an impact that i can hardly stand. it took one risk at letting comfort into my life, letting affection, sex to open these flood gates. it is so telling how being held can change your world sometimes. i have not breathed in ages. i have not felt in ages. my life has been about everyone else. i don't blame others, i am having a hard time not blaming me. so much had happened to me. i was raped and still, i did not let anyone comfort me, i just started running. i started running and running and running. then, i got involved in relationships that served the purpose of rescuing my partners. then i became the caretaker of families. then i became the caretaker of a dying mother, who soon became a dead mother, then my father got sick.....3 out of 4 of my dogs i had for 16 years died. then, i took a risk and opened up myself to comfort and am faced with the reality of how lonely i have been for arms wrapped around me.